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36 Questions to Fall in Love

Three sets of questions that get more personal as you go, adapted from a 1997 closeness study.

Question 1 of 12

If you could invite any person at all to dinner, who would you pick?

Set 1

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How to do the 36 questions together

You need the two of you, a phone and an unhurried evening. Sit facing each other, put other screens away, and keep the phone where you can both read it. The questions come in a fixed order and get more personal as you go, so the order matters more than the speed.

  1. Start on Set 1. The game shows one question at a time.
  2. One of you reads the question aloud, then you both answer it. Swap who answers first on each new question.
  3. Listen all the way to the end of an answer before you reply. Follow-up questions are welcome, debates are not.
  4. Tap Next to move on, or Previous to go back to a question you want to return to.
  5. When a set ends, move to the next tab. Take a break between sets if you want one.
  6. After question 36, you can finish with the optional last step: four minutes of looking into each other's eyes without talking.

Where the 36 questions come from

The questions follow a procedure from a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues, published in 1997 as "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The researchers wanted a reliable way to create closeness in a lab, so they paired up strangers and gave them three sets of questions that asked for a little more openness each time.

Pairs who went through the questions reported feeling closer afterwards than pairs who made small talk. That is what the study showed: closeness between strangers, in a lab setting. It did not measure falling in love, and the nickname came later. Nothing here is a guarantee.

The idea behind it is still useful for couples. Closeness tends to grow when two people take turns sharing something personal and the other person responds with care. The questions on this page are adapted from the study and written in our own words. Each one covers the same topic as the original, in the same order.

The 36 questions to fall in love, in order

Here is every question in the game, in order, across the three sets. Use the list to read ahead before you start, to pick up where you left off on another night, or to go through the questions on a walk or a long drive without the buttons.

Set 1

  1. If you could invite any person at all to dinner, who would you pick?
  2. Do you want to be famous? If so, what for?
  3. Do you ever practice what you'll say before making a phone call? Why?
  4. What does a perfect day look like for you, from morning to night?
  5. When did you last sing just for yourself? And when did you last sing for someone else?
  6. Say you live to 90. For your last 60 years you can keep either the body or the mind you had at 30. Which do you choose?
  7. Do you have a private feeling about how your life will end?
  8. What are three things you think the two of us have in common?
  9. What in your life are you most thankful for?
  10. If you could change one thing about how you were brought up, what would it be?
  11. Tell me the story of your life in four minutes, with as much detail as you can fit in.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow with one new skill or trait, what would you want it to be?

Set 2

Show all 36 questions · Set 2
  1. If a crystal ball could show you the truth about yourself, your life or your future, what would you ask it?
  2. What have you wanted to do for a long time, and what has stopped you from doing it?
  3. What are you proudest of having achieved so far?
  4. What matters most to you in a friend?
  5. Which memory do you hold closest?
  6. Which memory is the hardest one for you to carry?
  7. If you learned you had one year left, would you change how you live now? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. How big a part do love and affection play in your life?
  10. Let's take turns naming things we admire in each other, until we've each said five.
  11. How close and warm was your family? Do you think your childhood was happier than most?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

Show all 36 questions · Set 3
  1. Let's each say three true things that start with "we". For example: "Right now we are both feeling..."
  2. Finish this sentence: "I wish I had someone to share ... with."
  3. If we were going to be close friends, what would I most need to know about you?
  4. Tell me what you like about me. Be more honest than you would be with someone you had just met.
  5. Tell me about a moment in your life that still makes you cringe.
  6. When did you last cry in front of someone? And when did you last cry alone?
  7. Tell me one thing you like about me already.
  8. Is there anything you think is too serious to joke about?
  9. If you died tonight without the chance to speak to anyone, what would you most regret leaving unsaid, and to whom? Why haven't you said it yet?
  10. Your home is on fire and everyone you love, pets included, is safe. You can go back in for one thing. What do you save, and why?
  11. Whose death in your family would hit you the hardest? Why?
  12. Tell me about a problem you're dealing with and ask what I would do. Then I'll tell you how you seem to feel about it.

Keeping it fun for both of you

These questions work when you both feel safe answering them. Pick a time when neither of you is tired, rushed or halfway through an argument, and agree before you start that this is a conversation, not a test.

Either of you can pass on a question or stop at any time, with no explanation needed. Tap Next and keep going. A pass is not a clue about anything, and a skipped question can always come back on another night.

Set 3 asks about loss, regret and things that are hard to say. When your partner answers, listen first. Thank them for telling you instead of fixing, correcting or comparing. If an answer stirs something up, say so kindly and take a break.

You do not have to finish in one sitting. One set per evening is a good pace for couples who have been together a long time, because the answers tend to run long. Stop while you are both still enjoying it.

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36 Questions FAQ

What are the 36 questions to fall in love?

They are three sets of 12 questions that two people answer in turn, starting light and getting more personal. They come from a 1997 psychology study on closeness. The version here is adapted from that study in our own words.

Do the 36 questions really work?

In the original study, strangers who went through the questions felt closer afterwards than strangers who made small talk. That is a real effect, but it is closeness, not a promise of love. What you get out of it depends on how openly you both answer.

How long do the 36 questions take?

The study gave pairs 45 minutes, 15 for each set. Couples who know each other well often take longer, so allow an hour or two, or split the sets across separate evenings.

Can you do the 36 questions with a long-term partner?

Yes. The study used strangers, but the questions suit couples at any stage. Long-term partners often find that some answers have changed over the years, or were never asked in the first place.

Do we need to download anything?

No. The questions run in your browser on any phone, tablet or computer. There is no app to install and no account to create.

Is it private?

Yes. The game runs in your browser with no account. You answer out loud, so nothing you say is typed, stored or sent anywhere. Close the page and nothing is kept.

What happens after question 36?

The game shows a short closing note and a card pointing to Kindu Sexy, which has hundreds more prompts and games for couples. There is no limit here, so you can go back to any set whenever you like.